Monthly Archives: August 2014

Ketchup

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I took a little break from blogging for the last couple weeks.  Today I am 3dp6dt!  Here are my updates!

Retrieval:

I don’t know why I was so worried about this.  Actually, I take that back.  I know EXACTLY why I worried.  The thought of a foot-long needle going through my vagina, THAT was worrisome.  I was hoping I would be out cold, but my nurse explained to me that I would be under “conscious sedation” which was explained to me as “you won’t be able to move or speak and you won’t remember a thing.”  Uhhhhhh.  Nuh.  That does not sound right.  Everyone assured me it would be fine.  Going into the procedure, I was really trying to be brave, but I am a pansy.  The Dr. came in and asked me if I had any questions and I said “Uh, yes.  I’m concerned about this ‘conscious sedation’ stuff.  I’ve heard I won’t be able to move or speak, but I’ve heard nothing about not feeling it, and all I can think of is that Metallica video.”  He laughed.  I was glad he got the reference.  He assured me I would be “out” and wouldn’t feel a thing.

Long story short, he was right.  Next thing I knew, I was waking up.  Had a little bit of mild cramping, but totally livable.  I slept the whole rest of the day.

The Dr told me when I woke up that he retrieved 11 eggs.  I have to admit, I was a little disappointed with this number.  I’m embarrassed to say that because I know so many women who get less, but I’ve also seen women get numbers in the 20s and 30s.  And I just thought that because my ovaries were great and functioning normally and had nothing to do with our infertility, I would be in those high numbers.

Then the next morning my nurse called to tell me that out of the 11 eggs, only 6 had fertilized.  We still had 5 days to make it until the PDG testing, and I knew that with each day as well as with the testing, those numbers were pretty surely going to continue to go down.  They also told me that we wouldn’t have any more updates on the embryos until the day of our transfer, which seems kind of torturous.  Seems like a pretty shitty day to be getting bad news, if there is any.  I tried my best to keep my mind off of it, but who was I kidding?

Transfer Day!:

This day was pretty bittersweet.  I had my acupuncturist, who I love, there working with me.  She covered me in warm sheets and put a heating lamp on my feet and did her thing turning me into Hellraiser with her tiny needles.  She then massaged me and even stuck a few needles in my husband to relax him, too.  It was a great way to start off the day.  Then the Dr. came in.  I should mention that in one of our appointments with him last week, I told him very specifically that we did NOT want to know the gender of the embryos, we at least wanted that surprise.  He totally understood and he said he would put it in our notes to make sure no one “spills the beans.”  Imagine my dismay when the first thing he says when we walks in the room transfer day is “Well, I have some great news!  You have 2 healthy boy embryos!”  My heart fucking stopped.  Did he seriously just say that?  I looked at my husband who I could instantly tell was pissed as well and I just tried to smooth the situation.  I said, “It’s ok, it’s ok.  A boy!”  But my husband said to the doctor, “wait, so you are telling us the sex now?  We said we didn’t want that.”  The doctor looked embarrassed and said, “Oh, I’m so sorry.”  But there was nothing that could be done about it now and I just had to focus on being happy and ok with it.

I do believe everything happens for a reason, though.  Since the boy cats were already out of the bag, I took a look at our PDG testing results.  Very interesting.  Only 5 embryos were tested so I guess 1 of the 6 didn’t make it to day five for testing.  But here’s the thing that struck me.  All 5 were male.  Half of my eggs didn’t fertilize, statistically that would about the amount of female sperm used to inseminate them.

It scares me that we may never be able to have a girl.  I am totally grateful for these 2 healthy boys, but having a girl at some point is also important to me.  I don’t even know if this is something we can test for, because I don’t know what it is.  I’m wondering if there is something genetic going on here that we don’t know about.  I don’t even know what questions to ask or who to ask them to.  I feel lost and I certainly don’t want to turn to Google and drive myself insane.

It was kind of a shame that there was kind of a dark cloud over such a happy day, but sometimes that is life.  We chose to implant 1 embryo and freeze the other.  It was a surreal experience.  I got to watch this little guy enter my body through the ultrasound.  He was in a little rice shaped vehicle that they use to transport them I guess.  A little rice rocket, if you will.  That made me super emotional.  I had been trying to hold in tears of sadness from the moment the dr came in with his “great news” but the second I saw that little spec enter my body, tears of joy came pouring out of me.

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And Away We Go!

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Trigger shot was tonight!  It’s moving a little faster than I was expecting after yesterday’s appointment.  But it looks as though my retrieval will be Thursday now.  I’m really excited, the only thing that is sort of a bummer is that my husband leaves tomorrow for the UK for 5 days to play a couple festivals, so he won’t be here for the retrieval.  He should be back in time for the transfer, though, so that’s more important.

The trigger shots were not bad, I had to take 2 Ovidrel.  I think the needles were a tiny bit thicker than the others I’ve been taking because they took me a lot longer to get in.  The good news is that they didn’t sting at all like the Menopur.  I’m starting to get REALLY nervous about the stupid Estradiol shots I have to do every 3 days starting the day after retrieval, though.  They are the ones that have to go in the bum, and they are intramuscular.  😦  I’m a bit of a control freak, I feel like even if my husband would have been here to give me all of my shots, I still would have wanted to do every one by myself.  And I’m a total diaper baby when it comes to needles, getting the tiny ones in my blub is hard enough for me.  I can’t imagine how I’m going to get these torpedos in my arse, especially without a running start or muchas margaritas.

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Squinty Eyes, Another U/S and More Blood Work

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My father-in-law put together this picture of my husband and me when we were both little.  At least there’s no question what our child will look like, it just would have been nice if someone had mentioned previous to our wedding that we were siblings. As far as having eyes goes, this kid doesn’t stand a chance.  My money is on it looking a lot like Bunsen from the Muppets minus the glasses.

I had my 5 day u/s and blood work today.  It’s so hard to know what I was looking at, and the nurse didn’t say much.  I seemed to have about 4 follicles total that were 14 or 15, and about 4 more that were 10-12, at least of what they measured. I have no idea if this is on track or not.  I had to reorder 2 more days worth of Menopur, and it looks as though my retrieval date may be this Friday.  Of course the husband is leaving to play a couple festivals in the UK on Wednesday and will be gone for about 5 days.  But luckily it looks like he will most likely be here for the transfer date which is more important anyway.  He can make it up to me by waiting on me hand and foot and being my own personal In N Out delivery boy.

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Menopur Madness

Yesterday I had my first U/S and blood work since starting the stims and it was pretty lack luster. My doctor didn’t really mention anything about my follicles or how they were looking. From some of your posts I was seeing a little feedback you ladies got from your Dr on this appointment about all that stuff. That, coupled with my dr looking like he was in a hurry to get out of there after he examined me of COURSE made me feel like something was wrong.

Anyway, the nurse called me last night to tell me he wanted me to start on 75iu of Menopur last night.

Holy shit, first off let me say that is a LOT of crap to be injecting at once. It felt like dinner. My nurse had shown me how to mix everything in that teaching appointment I had before I started, but of course I had forgotten every bit. I had to read through the instructions to figure it out. Of course it was not clear at all how much water I should use. I kept seeing examples that were for 150iu using 1cc of water, so that’s what I used for my 75iu. I had no idea if that was right or not.

But the really crazy thing to me was that out of the literally 5 bags of different syringes, none of them were labeled for use with which medicine, nor were the needles. I had no idea which I was supposed to use. They really should have a little note on them that says “For Use with Menopur” or whatever. So far the shots have been self explanatory. The Lupron came with it’s syringes and the Gonal F is a pre-filled syringe, easy peasy.

Also, I was only sent enough Menopur for 5 days, I’m hoping this is right! I’m not excited about having to order more medicine. I emailed my nurse about this, but I’m just wondering how many days you ladies who have done or are doing a Menopur protocol were on it for?

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Cross My Heart, Stick a Needle in My Everything

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If you know me, you know that I am an avid researcher.  I love looking up statistics and case studies and personal accounts of all things.  And seriously I’ll try all kinds of shit if I hear it’s cool.  Not that acupuncture is totally out there, honestly I’ve been poked so much what’s another 90 needles in my body?  But I’ve heard such great things about it, especially pertaining to ttc.  I’m curious how many of you have tried it for a previous cycle, or are doing it now?

This is my first cycle, so I have no outcome yet.  But I’ve been getting acupuncture for almost a year now and I can tell you, baby making aside, it’s had some awesome effects on my body.  It can be used for all kinds of things, I was using it mainly to just get my uterus healthy and relax my periods since cramping with endo is about as fun sticking a Lego in your pee-hole.  But yesterday I got to see just how powerful it is!

I got up in the morning before my appointment and went for a run, as I do just about every morning.  I am a runner, I love it and I need it in so many ways.  Plus I’ve been on a mission lately knowing that my FET is right around the corner and my running days are numbered.  But yesterday, right at the end of my run, I pinched a nerve in my upper spine and felt like somebody took an ax to my back.  I’m pretty prone to pinched nerves, I don’t know why.  I’ve gotten them in my neck a bunch from the time I was a teenager, and my mom and sister get them every once in a while as well.  I don’t know why this is or what makes us prone, but if you’ve ever had one, you know they suck.

I actually collapsed and worried about how the hell I was going to get home.  I called my husband, but he was still sleeping, and there was no one else around because it was so early.  I called my acupuncturist to cancel while I had my phone in my hand, there was no way I could make it down there to her, but she really urged me to come in because she said she could help me with it.  So my husband had to bathe me, dress me, and drive me.  Seriously.  Gearing him up for dad life.

It was hard for me to even lay on her table, but she started with my back, putting needles all up and down my spine where the nerve was.  It felt a little better right away, but was still sore when I left there.  This morning, I’m almost all the way better!  Typically these things leave me out of commission for at least a few days, hopped up on Vicodin and still unable to get comfortable in any position.  But I woke up this morning and got out of bed no problem and THEN remembered about my back.  I had to do a couple twerking moves to test it out in disbelief.

If this works as well for my uterus, it will be as lush and sticky as a sea anemone.  I would love to hear any of your thoughts, feelings, experiences with acupuncture!

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Shot Just Got Real

Tonight is the first night of stims, Gonal F to be exact. I’m starting to get really nervous. So far the Lupron has been no big deal, but I think the Gonal F has a bigger needle? Anyone know if this is true? I’ve been totally fine these last couple week with the Lupron, then wouldn’t you know it, this morning I hit a nerve with it and screamed! Oh my god, that hurt so bad. Now I’m like terrified of taking the bigger injection tonight. Anyone have any tips on avoiding nerves when you do your injections? What were your experiences with the Gonal F?

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Not Tonight, Honey…

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Man, you guys were not kidding about the Lupron headaches!  They are insane.  I’ve been chugging water, and that helps a little.  But I seriously drank 3 liters of water yesterday and still went to bed with a pounding headache.

I will say, though, that the Lupron shot itself is not bad!  I barely feel it.  I’m the lonely loser with a traveling husband, so I have to give all the shots to myself.  I really psyched myself out on the first one.  Once I got it prepared I kept having to walk away from it and then come back, giving myself a pep talk out loud the whole time.  If anyone was spying on me at the time, I should be expecting men in white suits with the big net to be showing up to my house to collect me any minute now.  Finally, I just popped it in!  Not bad.  I had a little raised, itchy, burny bump afterward like a bug bite that lasted about 20 minutes, but that was it.  No bruising or soreness afterward.

A friend of mine set me up on a blind texting date with another one of her friends that was starting the IVF process on the very same day!  Her protocol is pretty different from mine, but it was still really nice being able to chat with someone else going through it with me.  We started meds on the same day, but her tentative retrieval date is like 2 weeks before mine.  I’m not sure how or why that is.  But I’m just hoping that everything goes as planned for both of us!

I had a dream last night that it was my transfer date.  I’m a little nervous about it and how it’s going to feel because I’m a big wimp so it’s no wonder I was dreaming about it.  And of course in my dream I was panicking about it.  It was over quickly and 3 seconds later, in true dream time form, they told me it had worked and I was pregnant!  Ha.  I wish it was going to be that quick.

But for the first time in a long time, I woke up excited about it.  I think through all of this I have just stopped being capable of excitement for it in order to protect myself.  I’ve been very guarded.  This makes me kind of sad, like it’s spoiling the experience for me.  I look at other pregnant women and think about how lucky they must have been to enjoy life up until the day they found out they were pregnant, and then get to go straight into feeling excited.  That sounds so fun!  I was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to feel excited, even when I did get pregnant, but my mom assured me that would not be the case.  But waking up this morning, feeling even just a little excited, even though it was just a dream, really breathed some life back into me.  ❤

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