It’s National Infertility Awareness Week and I’ve decided it’s time to make my blog public, whether I feel it’s ready or not. Being on the other side of a 4 year struggle with infertility I still have a hard time finding words that may be helpful to those still in the thick of it. But I desperately want to help.
I’m a Buddhist and I have this app on my phone called Chant Buddy that’s really used to log minutes of chanting, but it also has a daily encouragement section that has a different quote every day from Daisaku Ikeda. Somehow, every time I open the app and see the quote of the day, it happens to go along perfectly with whatever I’m going through. Every. Time. I laugh with my mom because she had a book of guidance from Daisaku Ikeda that she used to open up to a random page every time she needed help and it was always perfectly suited as well. Aaaaaanyway, I opened it up today looking for something helpful to guide this post and this is what it said.
I remember part of the pain I felt when having a baby was nowhere in sight for us was that desperate feeling of all this time being wasted. Years were passing, and even if I could convince myself that it would happen for us one day, I felt bitter that these were years we were missing out on with our child.
What was really hard to see then that is so obvious to me now it that those years added SO MUCH to who I am as a mother. They strengthened the bond with my husband and put things into perspective in a way that makes me enjoy being a mom more than I would have without them.
I’m not saying that people who go through fertility issues first love their children more. I’m not saaaaying that. (this is me winking and nudging you under the table) But there’s definitely a heightened state of something. It’s magic when you look at your baby after knowing you never would. Sometimes I have to pinch myself, well I did, now my sadistic baby does the pinching. But even when he’s simultaneously biting my face, screaming, and pulling out wads of my hair, deep down I’m like, “if this isn’t heaven, I don’t know what is.”
I’m not going to say never lose hope. I lost hope about 50 times actually. But the important thing is that I got it back and I didn’t give up. I didn’t know if I would ever have a baby for sure, but I didn’t give up on being happy one day. After all, rising above our challenges is where true, unshakable happiness comes from. We need our obstacles, they make us strong. And no matter your outcome, that strength will be your asset.