Today I made the mistake of looking up what an 11 week fetus looks like and now I can’t get it out of my head.  A super tiny, yet fully formed baby with fingers and tooth buds, itty bitty ears and tiny nose.  It’s too much for me right now.  

Here’s where some of the confusion came from about how far along I was.  First off, I had been having my period for the last several months, which I guess can happen with an ectopic.  When I went in Wednesday for the ultrasound the tech measured  a 4 week 4 day yolk sack in my endometrium.  This obviously made sense to me.  But the baby they pulled out of my Fallopian tube was much further along, the doctor said “at least 10 weeks.”  Because I chart my periods, ovulation and intercourse we now know for certain the baby was 11 weeks exactly. 

Now because of this mystery sack in my uterus I have to go in next week for a blood test to make sure it was not a double pregnancy, to know for certain I am no longer pregnant.  If that were the case I would need a D&C.  But the doctor said it may be what is called a pseudo sack, my body knew it was pregnant so it was trying to do the right thing and the sack would be empty.  I’m hoping that’s the case, I can’t handle another procedure and the loss of another baby at this moment. 

I’m kicking myself for not testing sooner, I knew there was something wrong.  I know it wouldn’t have been possible to save the baby, but I wouldn’t have let it get so far.  I feel really guilty about that.  And at the very least I may still have my tube. 

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6 thoughts on “

  1. Whitney says:

    I can’t even imagine to begin to fathom what you’re going through. Just wanted you to know that you’re superwoman and will get through this! Sending you all the positive vibes ❤️

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  2. Bre says:

    First, hugs to you. Your comment about guilt is really making me feel bad. You perhaps knew that something was off but there is no way you knew it was that dangerous and knowing all the things you did for your son, no way that you would have let it go that far if you knew it was that serious. Easy to say don’t feel guilty but you have no reason to feel guilty at all.

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  3. I tried to tell myself there wasn’t a baby over and over and over just to help my heart.. . In the end I realized I was only fooling myself. I’m so sorry this happens. I will never understand it. My heart is hurting with you.

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  4. I looked it up too when I went through it. I was struggling with needing to justify the realness when it didn’t seem to count to anyone else. Could you send me an email with your address to awaitingautumn14@gmail.com? I’ve got something I’d like to send you. ❤

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  5. I’m so sorry. I made the mistake of looking up what fetuses look like the other day too, out of fear of losing my pregnancy. It was so sad and scary. No one should have to go through what you did, I’ll be thinking of you.

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  6. Anonymous says:

    Ahh you are an emotional cutter too. “Step away from the googles” I tell myself on the regular. I stumbled upon your insta after trolling for mom blogs whilst pregnant – looking for guidance or just to peer into accounts of those more experienced (I had/still have no fucking clue what I’m doing – and we eneded up having boys days apart. I’ve been following along and appreciate the shit out of your humor and honesty because it makes the whole ride easier when you feel you have war buddies. Even if only cyber. Thanks for sharing your experiences, I thoroughly enjoy your outlook on the good, bad, and shitty. Side topic: They should tell women early on that motherhood gives you Walking Dead vagina = no need for abstinence talks.

    Liked by 1 person

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