Tag Archives: ectopic

finally the force is with us!


Yesterday was my 2 week post op check up and it was full of good news!  It was another great lesson from the universe that I need to stop assuming I know the outcome of things that haven’t happened yet.  I was so sure that on top of being a wretched thing to go through and the loss of the baby, this whole ordeal pretty much sealed my fate for ever getting pregnant again on my own.  I’ve been stewing in that for 2 weeks feeling sorry for myself and yesterday I got the positive smack upside the head I needed.

First off, the “bunches of cysts” on both ovaries that the ultrasound technician saw weren’t cysts at all!  They were blood clots from the initial slow bleed of the ectopic.  So my ovaries are great!  I guess my blood was clotting like crazy as they were trying to suction it out of my body, which is usually good, you want blood to clot, but it kept getting stuck in the suction machine.  So she ended up leaving a fair amount of blood in me, which actually was good I guess because it gets reabsorbed, so my numbers and iron looked great.  And it should, there was a fuck of a lot of it pumped in there.  In total I had 6 units of blood plus platelets and other plasma products.  Thank God for people who donate!  From now on I will be donating blood regularly. 

The doctor also said my other tube is “beautiful,” clear, and in perfect shape!  And my endometriosis is currently nonexistent!  

My incisions are healing really well and I got the green light to pick up River!!  I’m so freaking excited about this.  I still have to take it easy but just to hold his fat body for a few minutes makes me happy. 

I also learned something super duper interesting about female anatomy. I always thought that your ovaries were both affixed at the end of either Fallopian tube, so the loss of a tube would really be equal to the loss of an ovary.  But that is WRONG!  Apparently Fallopian tubes are all loosey goosey in there, and sweep around searching for the egg that’s being released.  They can even sweep to the opposite ovary!  I had a hard time picturing this so last night in bed I searched Dr. World Wide Web for a video so I could wrap my little pea brain around it, and I found this.  

So even though I only have one tube, the left side can take over the work of my missing tube and deliver my released eggs from BOTH ovaries.  This is wonderful news because I was obviously concerned this surgery had cut my chances of getting pregnant again naturally in half. 

I’m so, so happy that I get to share all this positive stuff!  And now that I’m on this side of it I think I can actually admit how scary and awful this whole thing was.  Obviously I wanted to let people know what was going on, and I preferred to post about it rather than have Jordan and I both need to message the people in our lives that would want to know and tell this story/relive it over and over.  That was just too much.  I wanted to be careful not to dramatize the situation when I posted it and make people worry about me because that’s shitty.  But now that I’m ok I can say this was hands down the scariest and most painful thing I’ve ever lived through.  I honestly thought I was going to die.  My doctor said she did, too.  The first thing she did when she came in was hug me and tell me how happy she is that I’m here, because I almost wasn’t.  She said the other 2 surgeons were panicking and telling her to cut me open immediately and perform a hysterectomy to just get me to stop bleeding.  But my doctor was calm and collected and made the decision to do it laparoscopically and just take the tube and I cannot tell you how grateful I am for her!  I love my doctor.  The nurses were all coming out one by one to hug me and tell me how scared I had them.  The last time they saw me I was strapped to a gurney being wheeled out by the Chippendale EMTs. 

I don’t know what the future holds but I am alive and happy and HOPEFUL in the very least.  I just again want to thank each person who sent flowers, care packages, messages, daimoku, etc.  I really felt the love and it helped me through this in a big way.  And I am doing great now so you can scratch me off your list of people to be concerned about.  

❤️😊❤️

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reach out

This week is River’s first birthday party!!  I can’t believe it.  We now have my mom and my in-laws here helping out with everything.  I still can’t pick up River and it’s a very frustrating feeling.  But I’m so thankful for how much my husband steps up happily and without a single complaint ever. I’m also so grateful to my mom and in laws for being here for us, we really do need their support right now.  Not just in caring for the baby, but also to help lift our spirits.  It’s nice having them around.

Jordan came with me to my blood test today.  They’re just checking my beta hcg to make sure it’s going down.  I guess with the “pseudo sack” in my uterus they need to be sure I’m not still pregnant.  Anyway the 2 of us ran a couple errands and went to lunch and I think it was the first time since all of this went down we’ve really had time to chat just us. 

Somehow we got on the subject of all the people that had reached out to us to let us know they are thinking about us in this time.  There were a few people of course that waited a little because they didn’t want to “bother” us while we were still dealing with stuff.

Jordan and I both talked about how often we have both had this same line of reasoning when other people we loved were going through something hard; the loss of a loved one, sickness, a bad breakup, whatever.  “Oh, they don’t want to hear from me right now, they’re probably dealing with so much as it is.”  It’s really kind of bonkers logic when you think about it.  And if you’ve ever been the one on the other side, it really becomes clear to you that the plan of “not bothering” someone when they’re going through something is pretty dumb.

There’s also the element of being uncomfortable and not knowing what to say that holds people back.  They don’t want to say the wrong thing and make you feel WORSE.  This is so true when it comes to matters of infertility or miscarriage. It’s such an uncomfortable conversation for most people as it is.  It’s hard when there are seemingly no silver linings.  It’s not like the loss of a dear friend or relative who got to live a life where you can reminisce about them or talk about the good parts.  So what do you say?

The answer is ANYTHING.  “How are you?” is perfect.  So is “I just want you to know I’m thinking of you.”  Really anything you say to show you care is excellent.  Remember when you are thinking “I better not bother them” about 90% of the people in their lives are probably thinking the same thing.  The person may not be ready to answer you but that’s ok, the message will be received in a huge way.  

That was kind of the main take away from our conversation today.  We were both so surprised at how much those small texts and messages meant, they really touched us.  And a lot of them from people we’d never expect to hear from, even getting care packages, letters, and meals sent from people we’ve never met face to face.   To know that even the people you don’t see or hear from regularly care about you when the chips are down is impactful.  All of this really did make a difference for us in this hard time.  No, no one can take fix what happened, but their love and support reminded us that there is still a lot we have to be grateful for, namely the wonderful people in our lives. 

So basically this was a very long way of saying reach out to the people you’re thinking of whether you feel they need to hear it or not.  They do. 

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Today I made the mistake of looking up what an 11 week fetus looks like and now I can’t get it out of my head.  A super tiny, yet fully formed baby with fingers and tooth buds, itty bitty ears and tiny nose.  It’s too much for me right now.  

Here’s where some of the confusion came from about how far along I was.  First off, I had been having my period for the last several months, which I guess can happen with an ectopic.  When I went in Wednesday for the ultrasound the tech measured  a 4 week 4 day yolk sack in my endometrium.  This obviously made sense to me.  But the baby they pulled out of my Fallopian tube was much further along, the doctor said “at least 10 weeks.”  Because I chart my periods, ovulation and intercourse we now know for certain the baby was 11 weeks exactly. 

Now because of this mystery sack in my uterus I have to go in next week for a blood test to make sure it was not a double pregnancy, to know for certain I am no longer pregnant.  If that were the case I would need a D&C.  But the doctor said it may be what is called a pseudo sack, my body knew it was pregnant so it was trying to do the right thing and the sack would be empty.  I’m hoping that’s the case, I can’t handle another procedure and the loss of another baby at this moment. 

I’m kicking myself for not testing sooner, I knew there was something wrong.  I know it wouldn’t have been possible to save the baby, but I wouldn’t have let it get so far.  I feel really guilty about that.  And at the very least I may still have my tube. 

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